God is good, even when circumstances are not

On Sunday morning when Siena woke up she looked at me ready to nurse. I have never felt more sure of God's purpose for me than I have when giving birth or nursing my children. It is humbling and amazing that God has equipped me as a mother. It completely broke my heart knowing that I couldn't satisfy my daughter's need in that moment. A million thoughts were going through my head, "She isn't even one yet. She is still a baby. What if Siena weans herself?" It felt like the special bond was ending.

I had to go in another room while Travis attempted to feed her a bottle of formula. She screamed louder than I have ever heard her cry. It was a very long day. She refused formula from a bottle, so Travis attempted to feed her formula mixed with cereal. She eventually took a couple tablespoons of it, but that was it. She ate mostly Cheerios all day. A big thanks to the Garity family for sending them our way! :)

My sweet Travis is brilliant. He said we should send an email to all the doctors advising me in the practice. On Sunday night I received a call from our primary doctor. He had just returned from being out of town and said he wanted to call me immediately after seeing the email. He was so sorry for any miscommunication and inconvenience, but he strongly believed I was wrongly advised and that nursing Siena would be fine because the medication is considered safe for breastfeeding mothers and their infants. He said stopping the breastfeeding now is more harmful for her than the small level of the medications in my breastmilk. He said that he is confident that she would do fine and shouldn't be weaned so quickly. She was very relieved. It had been a traumatic day (really for both of us.)

On Monday night, we went to the clinic to see our primary doctor. He told me that this medication is safe, but the one I may have to take in a week or so (if this one doesn't clear up the infection) is not safe in nursing. My heart sank again, but at least I can move forward in preparation for that day, if need be. We have started introducing Siena to more table foods to hopefully make the transition go more smoothly if she won't take formula again.

When we got home that night, I felt intense nausea all over again. This week I feel like I have been improving a bit, but the progress seems slow.

Today Travis is back at work. I am so thankful that he was able to be here while I was feeling too weak to take care of the kids. Today I am still feeling pretty tired, but my spirits are up. I am scheduled to finish this medication on Sunday. The plan is to wait a week and repeat tests. At that point, the doctor will decide if the other medication is necessary.

It's interesting that one of the main reasons that I considered not going to India in the first place was because I was told that I couldn't continue breastfeeding and take anti-malarial medications. It was something I didn't want to give up.

At times I have wondered if this is it. Will I die of amoebic dysentery? Are these the final moments that I will have on this earth with my husband and children? God has my attention. I am listening.

I don't know what the future holds, but I am confident that God's plans are bigger than my own. I feel so blessed with all that I have been given. God is good, even when circumstances are not. It is awe-inspiring the way He uses our circumstances to bring us closer to Him. I am treasuring this time. When I am weak, then I am strong.